Don't Go
by smilebackwards
Summary: What if John's ultimatum had kept Sam from going to Stanford? Drabble
1. Ultimatum

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

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When Sam had packed his bags and stood in the doorway their father had said, "If you go now, don't ever come back." 

Dean saw the surprised anguish in Sam's eyes because he'd never meant to go that far, to never see them again. But John had given the ultimatum and Sam wavered.

He looked at Dean standing in the small kitchen and Dean couldn't make his mouth say what it should. He couldn't say _Dad, just let him go, let him have his dream _and _I love you. Call every day, okay Sammy?_ Dean couldn't say it because he didn't want to let Sam go either and John's way was the only way he could see to keep him. So when Sam looked at him for help or support or understanding or _something_ he'd been silent.

And then the moment had passed and Sam was silent too. He didn't look at them again as he shouldered his duffel bag and climbed the rickety stairs to the small bedroom he shared with Dean so he could unpack his dreams.

- - -

In the following weeks, Dean wished he'd said those words that stuck in his throat. Sam seemed so empty.

It was in the way he could hardly get up in the mornings, not because he was so tired but because he'd fallen into apathy and he just didn't care. What was there to get up for anymore? But he'd look at Dean's pleading eyes and he'd pull himself up.

It was in the way he no longer fought their father. He did what he was told without asking all the questions he would have just weeks before, questions that were often very relevant, and they suffered without them. But Sam didn't speak them and if they were in his eyes, well, Sam hardly looked them in the eye anymore so they couldn't be blamed for not hearing them.

It was in the way Dean could tell that Sam's gun felt heavier to his brother. So that when a pissed off poltergeist came straight at his little brother, Sam didn't raise the gun fast enough and he bled all over the floor.

But mostly, it was in the way that as Sam lay there, half-conscious and bleeding, he said, "Dean, it's okay. Let me bleed. There should be blood on the outside too."


	2. Aftermath

Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.

Some reviewers were very nice and asked for a sequel with a bit more John. It didn't quite trip out of me like the previous bit but I hope it's okay. Please review.

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John is two rooms over when he hears Dean yell, "Sammy!" and a shotgun blast. He runs toward the sounds and arrives just in time to see wisps of the poltergeist disappearing. There's a smile and a _good work_ on his lips before he realizes that the creature has left them with something to remember him by. 

Sammy is bleeding all over the rough wood floor. Dean is leaning over him with desperation in his eyes, trying to stem the blood flow. And Sam whispers cryptically, "Dean, it's okay. Let me bleed. There should be blood on the outside too."

John feels frozen but somehow he stumbles over to his sons. They've been hurt on hunts before, but this- this is very bad. There is so much blood already. An artery must have been sliced clean through. He's not naturally averse to blood, but this time it's coming out of one of his sons; his youngest son who never wanted to be here. Sammy, who wanted a chance at the life John had when he was happy.

John looks at Sam and what strikes him most is that besides the red, red blood all over him, Sam looks exactly the same. He looks broken, but he was broken before this latest blow. John broke him when he forced Sam to decide between his family and himself.

The guilt is blinding but the blood spells urgency so John squats down to scoop Sam up in his arms and get him to the car. Hands push his away and John looks into his oldest son's eyes. There is something dark and unforgiving there. Dean picks Sam up and runs with him toward the car and John remembers how it was Dean that held Sam in his arms that night so many years ago when all their lives burned. He sprints after them.

Dean maneuvers Sam gently into the backseat without a remark about not bloodying the upholstery. He holds out the keys to John but before he releases them he says, "Hospital," with no give in his voice. John has never seen how far he is down some dark path until now. Sam is bleeding out in the backseat and Dean isn't sure that John will take them to a hospital instead of heading back to the hotel room and trying to self-stitch Sam back together. But he nods and when Dean accepts it enough to let go of the keys and climb in with Sam, John thinks there's still hope.

He drives like he's possessed by Evel Kinevel or just a father who won't lose his sons. Dean's choked voice is whispering, "Hold on, Sammy," like a mantra and Sam is so, so quiet.

They pull up to the ER and doctors take Sam away behind cold metal doors. He and Dean sit in the waiting room and wait. They don't speak and John is aware that every word they will ever say after this hinges on whether Sam lives or dies.

The guilt is suffocating. He thinks about how far away from this Sam would have been if he'd just let him go to Stanford. He imagines Sam smiling, one arm full of books and the other around a beautiful girl. There is no red in his imagined picture. But he didn't let Sam have that chance and the real picture is all in shades of red.

He thinks about how broken Sam looked lying on the ground and how broken he's looked since John made him choose between his future and his family. He realizes now that Sam was bleeding out before tonight. He was just doing it so quietly that John didn't notice.

- - -

Two weeks pass before the doctor lets them take Sam home. He's pale and quiet and says he's sorry he wasn't fast enough, he'll work on it. John doesn't want him to work on it. He gives his blessing for Sam to go to Stanford and his heart hurts at the utter amazement in Sam's smile.

Dean tells him it's too little, too late. John just hopes that even too little, too late is better than nothing, ever.

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Review? No flames please. 


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